Wednesday, July 13, 2011

angry. am i the only one out there?

{warning angry rambling vent ahead}

I've been debating about writing this for a few days. I am not an angry person but I have been feeling really mad lately. I'm not sure why I am so upset, I have a good life, a loving husband, great kids. But I guess I am unhappy with my day to day life. I have touched on this a while ago with my Marine wife regret post. I don't think its unnatural to feel lost. I don't think what you wanted to be when you were 4, 15 or 21 is necessarily what you will want to be when you are 28. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis.

I'm mad because Sohel is gone. I'm mad because I wanted him to get back into the USMC and now I don't like being alone. I'm mad because I thought it wouldn't bother me. I'm mad because people think I need help taking care of the kids or cleaning my house, I don't need that I need someone to talk to. I'm mad because people text me to check on me after Sohel left but haven't heard from them in a month, why am I so worthy of your time now but not before? I am appreciative that they even care, but just wished they cared before.

I wish I had friends locally to talk to. I talk to one person on the phone but she is really it. I get some texts throughout the week but I very rarely have anyone to call to talk. I make plans and then they get cancelled for varies reasons, sometimes me, sometimes them. I feel alone in this Marine Corps world. I know it doesn't help that we live off base in the country (you don't have to tell me that, I've heard it a MILLION times). I feel like the oldest person in Jacksonville. Yesterday on FaceBook I was reading the answers to a USMC support page's question about your age and location and kids ages. No lie, 95% of the Camp Lejeune wives who posted on there were in their early 20s with kids my kids ages. Am I the only wife out there who didn't get married at 18?!? I know they are out there "old" wives with 2 year olds but I have yet to find many. I can hang with 18 years olds, I have no problem with them but some seem to not want to hang with me. Mostly comes from the rank thing. Doesn't bother me if your hubby is LCpl or a GySgt, but some hubbies are uncomfortable with that. If they work together then I understand but if they don't, then I don't see what the big deal is. I'm not asking you on a couples date just wanted to let my kids have some other kid interaction. It would be awesome to find someone of similar age to me with kids my ages but they don't seem to exist here.

I've been told to find a church to meet people, so I did. But you know what? No one is looking to be my friend. I haven't had anyone ask me over for lunch or even ask me my name. I've talked to many people there even tried talking to one of the paster's wives. Oh well. Lily won't let me leave the nursery anyways.

I should hit publish before I lose my nerve.

Does anyone else feel really alone in the military world?

9 comments:

  1. This post really got to me. You were so honest about your feelings and seem so vulnerable. It really broke my heart. I realize I may not seem like a very promising candidate for a friend bc of my age or the fact that I don't have kids but I also feel alone here..we live in on base housing but I feel more isolated than I ever did at home where each house is at least a mile away..I don't know where to meet people and I haven't ever had much luck with meeting new friends at a church just bc most ppl are so quite and reserved at churches I've gone to..I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you ever want to talk or even become friends I would really like that :) if not, I hope everything gets better for you :)

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  2. I feel the same way lately. I'm so freaking mad and irritable all the time and then I feel terribly guilty! I hope you know you can always talk to me and I'm so sorry I have to cancel plans way more than I would like! :(

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  3. Kristi - thanks for the comment. It means a lot. Of course I would love to be friends! Age/kids don't matter to me, while it's nice to meet people in similar situations, I realize we are all in similar situations (milspouse, alone in a new town). I think I recognize your name from FB. Message me and we can totally meet to do something!

    Katie - I know you don't mean to cancel. I'm not mad :D. Hopefully we can meet up tomorrow and talk! Thanks for your comment!

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  4. Lindsey- this is totally how I was feeling when we met! I was so alone, so angry and miserable. Meeting you and Liz, really helped a lot. I know we didn't get to hang out a whole lot, but knowing I wasn't alone helped so much.

    If no one at the church has introduced themselves to you, find another church! Or join a small group (sometimes a church is so big people just don't know you are new).

    There are older moms in the USMC. Just last week I met a mom with small children in her mid 30's. She just came up and started talking to me! We exchanged numbers an just like that I had a new friend. They're out there- just not easy to find!

    As for the phone- I know how you feel! I crave adult interaction, to vent, cry, laugh at what my children are doing. Anytime you want to talk call me! Chances are I'm doing the same thing :)

    - Kelly M.

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  5. I really wish I lived closer to base! The Marine wives out my way are all officer wives. I have gotten used to being alone since we've been here to the point that I sometimes feel awkward in social situations. It is sad how much of a loner I have become! You aren't alone in feeling this way. I think some women get lucky and find friends but the sad reality of the military world is that they will move away. Making friends over and over again gets exhausting! I became friends with you a couple years ago and last year I made a really good friend and you both moved away and I ran out of small talk steam to meet any new friends! I hope that you meet some cool ladies soon!

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  6. I wish you and I still lived close to one another and then we could get together and vent. If you ever want a virtual ranting session, you know how to reach me. I hope things get better soon!

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  7. Amanda - Thanks for the comment. We should get together sometime and let the kids play. I'm not to far from Hampstead. Once all this smoke clears we should meet up and let the kids swim or something :)

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  8. Thanks Laura! I will remember that next time I need to vent :)

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  9. Yes we should make plans for sometime in the next couple weeks!

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